Have you ever thought, “There is something seriously wrong with me”? Say, since you were 12 years old? This birthday is a big birthday for me, not only because I am officially super old, but because I just realized there has been something seriously wrong with me. For about 23 years. An easily-fixed glitch in my system that until now has wreaked havoc on my entire adult life. Like a Tasmanian Devil tattoo on your forehead. It’s been that hideous. [Outfit breakdown: Silk & sequins phoenix top $15 (Serendipity Boutique; No brand name on tag—made in India circa 1980). Lace cutout leggings $20 (Forever 21). Salvatore Ferragamo orange suede boots $45 (Idaho Youth Ranch; Original MSRP=$1500). Thinning hair, acne and angst (courtesy of an endocrine disorder called PCOS).] I don’t know why I can’t just post a “Yea, it’s my birthday!” Cheep note but I can’t, because it’s only been 9 days since it’s really sunk in (along with the hormones). I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), and I likely have since puberty. Like 1 out of 20 women. This basically means my ovaries don’t …

Have you ever wondered what Ms. Claus would wear if trapped in the apocalyptic landscape of Cormac McCarthy’s The Road? Have you ever wanted to get precision shopping details from someone who gives long, comedic titles to her outfits? Behold. Dreams—or nightmares—coming true: I call these pants the Apocalypse pants, because, made of pleather and purchased at Forever 21 for $20 (half off, original $40), they would outlast the cockroaches. Fitting for the Story Story Night theme PLANES, TRAiNS & AUTOMOBiLES, if you’re dark like me. The Laurence Kazar (est. 1960s) shirt, if you can call it a shirt as it surely is something far more spectacular than a mere shirt, was purchased at my favorite thrift store, Restyle, for $7. It was also half off (original $14), because I roll dirt cheap in vintage silk, sequins and beading, bitches. You are not really bitches. That’s the pants talking. Erm… The Salvatore Ferragamo orange suede boots I found at the Idaho Youth Ranch for $45 mother-bleeping-fucker-dollars. (OK, now suddenly our tone of voice has shifted to a badly censored …