We hope you have enjoyed the show. We’re sorry but it’s time to go. We’d like to thank you once again. It’s getting very near the end.
no label vintageflower-print & black empire waist dress – $12.99, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store |Ralph Lauren studded black suede & wood high-heeled mules – $5, Good Samaritan thrift store (MSRP $100)
Derry mid-century modern velvet sofa in sapphire – $620, Wayfair.com | local black walnut coffee table – $750, custom-made byDerek Hurd at Studio 12-12 | Gorgeous rug – gift from my ex | 1972 flower painting – gift from my ex | Mars metallic lamp – long-ago gift from my ex-ex
Wine pairing non-recommendation: A liver-cleanse acupuncture session immediately followed by a wine tasting trip to Walla Walla, Washington.
My time-lapse progression in 6 tiny tasting pours. 1st taste: “Mmmmm.” 3rd taste: As giggly tipsy as I was when 14-years-old cadging cheap boxed pink Franzia at that one backyard wedding after which I was arrested for underage drinking while walking home, therefore losing my driving privileges before I could drive. 6th taste: Splayed slack-jawed on a fancy lobby chair nearly passed out.
So, yeah. I couldn’t really drink, so I spent my time photographing myself at artful wineries. I’ll raise a glass to that.
Scenes from Foundry Vineyards.
Heart-shaped rose-colored glasses – $2.99, Grocery Outlet bargain market | Black cotton jumpsuit with beaded waist band – $40 (this was slightly pre-Cheep but still on sale), Piece Unique & Shoez (I bought this from a “fancy for me” boutique approx. 15 years ago and it immediately popped a stitch on the neckline that I just fixed approx. 15 days ago. It feels good slipping into something you think you’ve lost, like your ability to get toasted on 3 sips of wine.) |red & plaid jacket– $4.99, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | Frye ‘Sacha Moto’ black leather shooties – $100 (MSRP: $278), Bombshell Salon‘s Head to Boots Fall Make-Up Event
“I always know where I am by the way the road looks. Like I just know that I’ve been here before. I just know that I’ve been stuck here. Like this one fucking time before, you know that? Yeah. There’s not another road anywhere that looks like this road. I mean exactly like this road. It’s one kind of place. One of a kind. Like someone’s face. Like a fucked up face.” – River Phoenix, My Own Private Idaho
no label – vintage beach dress $5, ReStyle thrift store.
“Do you know how fast you were going?” the state trooper inquired, inching down his aviators.
He lay in wait in a mirage-like speed trap on the desert highway. I spotted him too late, then caught him creeping out onto the highway in the rearview.
“Fuck.” This vintage white Caddy with the blood red interior must look like a drug dealer’s wet dream.
I fluttered my Bambiest of doe eyes. “I actually don’t. This only goes up to 85.” I gestured to the speedometer, that did, in fact, cap off at the age of the grandmas usually behind the wheel of this particular old-school luxury vehicle.
A wry grin flashed across his face, turned on as instantaneously as those red and blue lights.
When he came back, he gave me a warning, and this cogent piece of advice, “If that needle gets to 85, slow down!”
Jessica McClintock maroon(ed) long sleeveless dress – $3.99, ReStyle Thrift Store | ADAY Something Borrowed black traveling button up shirt – $125, thisisADAY.com | Crocs (but the fashion-y kind) black fleece-lined slip-ons – $20, Crocs.com
Kim got this amazing shades-of-blue winged cotton jumpsuit at ReStyle on the same visit, probably $4.99.
1993 Cadillac DeVille with only 86,000 grandma-driven miles – $3,000, Boise’s Best Auto Sales (thanks to Ryan for tracking down/loaning me the $$$$)
I’m lost. Not, like, literally. I’m not still in Wendell, being gawked at by pumpers at the gas station across the street, as Kim and I pose in our driving clothes in front of the abandoned Ace (one storefront over from the brilliantly-named Grizzly Dairy Wear).
What I need is a big phallic tarot card, telling me, in what I assume is a Barry White ASMR voice, “Hey girl, you’re magic. Poof. It’s all in you. Everything you need to do.”
And then—like magic, like I’m wand-renewed with a psyche scrubbed clean of the plaque of regret, longing, fear, and inertia—I do everything I am designed to do. Like it’s in the cards.
12 pm by Mon Ami floral print long-sleeved shirt – $2.99, ReStyle Thrift Store | Hot Kiss jean jacket – $5.99, ReStyle Thrift Store | Dizzire black and white print pants – Idaho Youth Ranch, $4.75 | Crocs (but the fashion-y kind) black fleece-lined slip-ons – $20, Crocs.com
Note: Every outfit for this trip was recently purchased during one glorious visit to ReStyle.
Scene: Alice through the looking glass in the Velma Morrison Center bathroom during the premiere of LED’s “Jabberwock,” wearing a portmanteau print mix that feels like an idyllic garden scene that goes down the rabbit hole.
Josh purple floralscape dress – $2.75, ReStyle thrift store | no labelBrown and green silk taffeta jacketthat looks like bark and electric moss – gift | brown suede & fringe jacket – gift | vintagebakelite & yellow leather purse – $20, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | ADAY Crop & Roll Leggings grey – $125, ADAY | burgandy boots – $50 on sale, Riverwear in Stanley, ID
100 years hence: The kerchief turns into an iPhone, and her real grief into emoji-filled melodrama.
How I lost it all? Likely, it happened as I walked down the street, hands in pockets, unconsciously fumbling with my iPhone. An unseen swipe to the left. An unintentional tap of red button. Thusly, I deleted the entire text message history between my ex and me. Two years of intimate archives, burned up like illicit letters in a Victorian fireplace.
You think there’d at least be a two-step pop-up warning: “Are you sure you want to delete this relationship?”
I couldn’t quite come to grips with my melodramatic grief after 4 separate attempts with recovery software failed to retrieve the lost missives (and dick pics). It felt like the end. A more absolute and definitive end than the actual end, holding each other in the early morning after breaking up in his bathroom, as I said, “Can this not be the end? Can we at least take today and this not be the end?”
vintage Jonathan Martin black dresswith weird 80s flounces at the hip– $4.99, Restyle thrift store | Banana Republic braided tan & black leather belt – sale $18 (MSRP $80), Banana Republic Frye knee-high black leather boots – $75, Bombshell & Blokes “head to boots” fall make-up event
Kannon Chaise Lounge in burgundy – $470 (after using a 10% off coupon & a $10 “reward” coupon), Wayfair | Antique Mirror Beau accent table – $4.59 (org. $100, on sale for $39, then discounted obscenely with rewards bucks & offers I got on their app), Cost Plus World Market | Oversized Palm Leaves printed lumbar pillow – $3.19 (org. $29, on sale for $23, then discounted obscenely), Cost Plus World Market | blue & grey ceramic paired bird vase – b-day gift from Kim Philley for Feng Shui true love karma
We hope you have enjoyed the show. We’re sorry but it’s time to go. We’d like to thank you once again. It’s getting very near the end.
