Author: Jessica Holmes

“Mary Ann boinks Thurston Howell III behind the palm trees” outfit

Sorry, Lovey. Sometimes, undersexed on your ensemble-cast deserted island,  you catch a glimpse of each other on the cabana. No matter what the class and age difference, sometimes, things get a bit heated on Gilligan’s Island, like any undiscovered slice of paradise. Hers: Timing sheer red & white polka dot tie top made in Vietnam – $4, ReStyle thrift store | Gloria Vanderbilt black camel-toe-inducing cotton shorts – $5, Serendipity second hand boutique | Steve Madden black braided leather flats – $5.95, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store His-before: Pronto Uomo Navy blue blazer made in Italy, $275 – International haberdashery forgotten \ Coastal paisley patterned cotton short sleeve button up, $12.99 – Ross Dress for Less | Hurley surf trunks, $60 – Kauai, HI circa 2006 \ Rainbow leather flip flops, $45 – San Clemente, CA circa 1996 Then the paparazzi come and ruin the fun for everyone.His-after: Cremiux Sleepwear blue premium cotton post-boinking robe, $150 – Dillards | Passages pinot noir CA circa 2015, $6.99 – Grocery Outlet bargain market (uhh, huh) Hers-after: Tropical bed head and a bad reputation.

“Nice day for a (black +) white wedding” outfit

Friday night, after Ryan and I came home from a gorgeous love-soaked/heat-stroke of a black + white rooftop wedding—too exhausted to take a Cheep photo—I slept in this (sans the hat). I woke up at 6:20 am, sweaty cakey makeup and all, thinking, “What the hell why not. Just put on the hat.” I struggled in the half-light for awhile, almost giving up, then this gorgeous glow infused everything for a time-ticking/camera-dying number minutes. Behold, I finally witnessed the golden hour of the morning. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this up/productive this early. Nice day (post a black +) white wedding. (Cue Billy Idol.) Calvin Klein black cotton w/ white stitched breast pocket – $5, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | vintage 1960s Sears Millinery white straw w/ black velvet ribbon hat -$25, In Retrospect |  DKNY platform wedges – $20, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store The red Apocalypse Now chair is mine. I am slowly creeping in over the threshold. Cheep it up.

“American Revolution” outfit

These colors don’t run. They just become easy targets. “Where are your war-time, manners, sir?” the startled British asked with dying breaths, done up in red, scarlet as the blood issuing from a blue-blooded redcoat. BCX black pinstripe taking-care-of-business vest – $5, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store| Sharagano button-up red cotton spandex skirt – $4.95, ReStyle thrift store | b.tempted blue lace & cream bra w/ cream front bow (inopportunely visible from different vantage points, just like a proper British soldier) | Steve Madden black braided leather flats – $5.95, Idaho Youth Ranch | Accessories… “Kirin” Laurel Burch black, gold & mauve peacock earrings – $10, Serendipity Boutique | locally made “Nasty Girl” iron ball-chain necklace  – post-election gift from a girlfriend | Navajo hand-made hammered brass bracelet – $40, Albuquerque, New Mexico, street vendor in “Old Town” Happy Independence Cheep!

“Milkmaid in the Afterlife” outfit

In 2013, when my heart shattered apocalyptically, Spike Jonze filmed a live music video for Arcade Fire’s “Afterlife” starring Greta Gerwig. At the time (and now still), it seared my soul. It’s the timeless story of all that is lost and found in the wilderness—in a language only the heart and frenetic hand-flinging could tell. In the land before time, bored lord Krishna came down from the afterlife to frolic with (read: fuck) milkmaids. Commemorated here on silk in hand-painted glory, I stand by it now. I’m basically milking the afterlife. (If ya know what I mean. Nudge, nudge, wink wink, hairy hare Krishna.) Calvin Klein blue & black banded dress – $5.95, ReStyle | Steiger navy leather blue heels with brass eyelets – $7, ReStyle Cheep, Krishna Krishna, hubba hubba.  

“Cultural appropriation at its whitest” outfit

It’s not quite a feather headdress at Coachella, but it’s got some pale-ass(hole) interloper, Native American cache.  I went to Canyonlands in Utah last week, and hiked a trail called Aztec Butte (that I pronounced “Aztec butt” like a 13-year-old every-time I read it, but only in my head, because I have class-act self-restraint). These Puebloan granaries once held the life-sustaining provisions of desert-crossing native travelers. Now, they provide Instagram-aiming photo backdrops for desert-crossing white tourists. #manifestdestiny? Sideout Hawaiian floral print dress – $5.95, ReStyle made in USA! USA! (“Someday we’ll incorporate you into our fashion, and that’s reparations enough” – national slogan to the disenfranchised) | California Floppy Hat – gift from someone I don’t remember, made in USA! USA! | Grenedene gold flip flops – $10, Nordstrom’s Rack (appropriated from Ryan, who bought them for me) Cheep it up, all you travelers. 

“Bachelor meets Bachelorette” outfit

Ryan watched The Bachelorette with me tonight, which is the highest form of romance/torture, depending on your perspective. He gets my first impression rose. Roz & Ali print dress – $0.75, Idaho Youth Ranch (I got a bag of stuff for $5, so I’m using the law of averages, as does the Bachelorette when measuring up some pretty average dudes) | gold & brown patent leather belt – $1.99, ReStyle | brown & bead woven bracelet – gift from Nicaragua | Steiger navy leather blue heels with brass eyelets – $7, ReStyle Cheep!

“50 shades of sway” outfit

I went to a clothing exchange party last night, and my favorite find: black banded 5-inch heels. So I spent the entire day in various shades of sway. No tag sheer black with subtle deep purple & grey floral print dress w/ black slip – $5, I think, but I can’t remember where I got it | Heart in D black banded 5-inch heels – clothing exchange party, in trade for some seriously strange sequins gowns & tops (so priceless) Cheep it to the left. Cheep it to the right. Fall down tonight.