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“Rosé-colored glasses” outfit
Wine pairing non-recommendation: A liver-cleanse acupuncture session immediately followed by a wine tasting trip to Walla Walla, Washington. My time-lapse progression in 6 tiny tasting pours. 1st taste: “Mmmmm.” 3rd taste: As giggly tipsy as I was when 14-years-old cadging cheap boxed pink Franzia at that one backyard wedding after which I was arrested for underage drinking while walking home, therefore losing my driving...
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“My own private Idaho” outfit
“I always know where I am by the way the road looks. Like I just know that I’ve been here before. I just know that I’ve been stuck here. Like this one fucking time before, you know that? Yeah. There’s not another road anywhere that looks like this road. I mean exactly like this road. It’s one kind of place. One of a kind....
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“85 mph on the Bonneville Salt Flats” outfit
“Do you know how fast you were going?” the state trooper inquired, inching down his aviators. He lay in wait in a mirage-like speed trap on the desert highway. I spotted him too late, then caught him creeping out onto the highway in the rearview. “Fuck.” This vintage white Caddy with the blood red interior must look like a drug dealer’s wet dream. I...
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“Edward Hopper diner scene in Salt Lake City, Utah” outfit
On the menu… appetizer: Polish sausage w/ sauerkraut, split in two – J Dawgs (pictured) main: A dozen oysters on the half shell w/ fresh grated wasabi. Arugula salad. French onion soup. – White Horse dessert: J.S. Ondara show – The State Room Ralph Lauren gold & black striped long-sleeved shirt – $2.99, ReStyle | Liz Claiborne black skirt – $3.99, ReStyle | Frye...
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“Ace of wands in Wendell, Idaho” outfit
I’m lost. Not, like, literally. I’m not still in Wendell, being gawked at by pumpers at the gas station across the street, as Kim and I pose in our driving clothes in front of the abandoned Ace (one storefront over from the brilliantly-named Grizzly Dairy Wear). What I need is a big phallic tarot card, telling me, in what I assume is a Barry...
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“Jabberwock” outfit
Scene: Alice through the looking glass in the Velma Morrison Center bathroom during the premiere of LED’s “Jabberwock,” wearing a portmanteau print mix that feels like an idyllic garden scene that goes down the rabbit hole. Josh purple floralscape dress – $2.75, ReStyle thrift store | no label Brown and green silk taffeta jacket that looks like bark and electric moss – gift |...
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“Victorian DMer in Mourning” outfit
How I lost it all? Likely, it happened as I walked down the street, hands in pockets, unconsciously fumbling with my iPhone. An unseen swipe to the left. An unintentional tap of red button. Thusly, I deleted the entire text message history between my ex and me. Two years of intimate archives, burned up like illicit letters in a Victorian fireplace. You think there’d...
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“Sgt. Pecker’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” outfit
We hope you have enjoyed the show. We’re sorry but it’s time to go. We’d like to thank you once again. It’s getting very near the end. no label vintage flower-print & black empire waist dress – $12.99, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store |Ralph Lauren studded black suede & wood high-heeled mules – $5, Good Samaritan thrift store (MSRP $100) Derry mid-century modern velvet sofa...
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“Norwegian lumberjack’s girlfriend” outfit
At a hostel in Sofia, Bulgaria, when I was twentysomething, I met an Israeli guy, Gigi, who successfully claimed insanity to escape mandatory conscription into the army. I found that hot, apparently, because we followed a Lonely Planet write-up to a back alley bar in a barn and downed alcohol as he told me the hidden secrets of the universe. Like his foot fetish. And...
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“Palest, Most-Uncoordinated Vegas Pole Dancer Goes for Broke at a Hamptons Hoedown” outfit
Because up top it’s all, “Hand me a gimlet at the regatta.” Or whatever they say in the Hamptons. And down low it’s all, “Bow chicka bow bow…” *face plant* Guess multi-colored print strapless dress – $12, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | Melissa white plastic w/ tassels & multicolored threaded platform heel – $24, The Gold Mine thrift store in Ketchum Cheep it all...
