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“Stewardess for the Galactic Federation” outfit
Put your tray tables in an upright position, and prepare for departure from 2020. On your right, a once-in-a-millennium scene of cosmic proportions and galactic significance. Though a rather shoddy photo of it (as I took it myself, handheld, shaking in the subzero temps of the Utah high desert). In a spontaneous gambit to witness the Great Conjunction of Saturn and Jupiter, I rented...
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“Out of Africa” outfit
“Perhaps he knew, as I did not, that the Earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road,” – Karen Blixen, Out of Africa Before I left for Kenya, I read Karen Blixen’s (nom de plume: Isak Dinesen) book, Out of Africa. Taking place at about this time 100 years ago, the Baroness owned a coffee plantation just outside of Nairobi....
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“Safari in the time of Corona” outfit
In Swahili, safari means journey. Less than 8 hours before I departed on a two-day trip through the Maasai Mara, the US declared a level 4 travel advisory, urging all Americans overseas to return home immediately. Borders are closing. The unthinkable is happening everywhere. I could have to shelter in place indefinitely—no matter how far that place is from home. TMI, but I threw...
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“Social distancing in Hell’s Gate” outfit
As the entire world entered into a certain sort of hell while I am in Kenya on an ill-timed vacation, I decided to go to Hell’s Gate, a national park near Lake Naivasha. I figured the wilderness was the most social distancing I could achieve while on this fated trip. Hell’s Gate has few predators, so you can bicycle through it alone. I passed...
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“Contagion” outfit
“Banish the ghost of coronaaaaahhh…” Before my trip to Kenya, I went to Passport Health, a traveler’s clinic for immunizations and fear needling. There, I was handed a terrifying brochure filled with the potential dangers of my destination. Typhoid. Hepatitis. Yellow fever. And a long list of other shit-inducing diseases borne of filth and mosquitoes and the social nature of human existence. It totaled...
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“Rosé-colored glasses” outfit
Wine pairing non-recommendation: A liver-cleanse acupuncture session immediately followed by a wine tasting trip to Walla Walla, Washington. My time-lapse progression in 6 tiny tasting pours. 1st taste: “Mmmmm.” 3rd taste: As giggly tipsy as I was when 14-years-old cadging cheap boxed pink Franzia at that one backyard wedding after which I was arrested for underage drinking while walking home, therefore losing my driving...
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“My own private Idaho” outfit
“I always know where I am by the way the road looks. Like I just know that I’ve been here before. I just know that I’ve been stuck here. Like this one fucking time before, you know that? Yeah. There’s not another road anywhere that looks like this road. I mean exactly like this road. It’s one kind of place. One of a kind....
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“85 mph on the Bonneville Salt Flats” outfit
“Do you know how fast you were going?” the state trooper inquired, inching down his aviators. He lay in wait in a mirage-like speed trap on the desert highway. I spotted him too late, then caught him creeping out onto the highway in the rearview. “Fuck.” This vintage white Caddy with the blood red interior must look like a drug dealer’s wet dream. I...
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“Edward Hopper diner scene in Salt Lake City, Utah” outfit
On the menu… appetizer: Polish sausage w/ sauerkraut, split in two – J Dawgs (pictured) main: A dozen oysters on the half shell w/ fresh grated wasabi. Arugula salad. French onion soup. – White Horse dessert: J.S. Ondara show – The State Room Ralph Lauren gold & black striped long-sleeved shirt – $2.99, ReStyle | Liz Claiborne black skirt – $3.99, ReStyle | Frye...
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“Ace of wands in Wendell, Idaho” outfit
I’m lost. Not, like, literally. I’m not still in Wendell, being gawked at by pumpers at the gas station across the street, as Kim and I pose in our driving clothes in front of the abandoned Ace (one storefront over from the brilliantly-named Grizzly Dairy Wear). What I need is a big phallic tarot card, telling me, in what I assume is a Barry...
