I wanted to look like Patti Smith, the iconic OG punk rocker poet from the 1970s, as pictured (in a photo by her BFF Robert Mapplethorpe, no less) on the album on my record player. But apparently, upon internet image searching, I look more like Pattie Boyd, the iconic 1960s model who was the first wife of both George Harrison and Eric Clapton. (Way to nail it, girl.) At least I’m still mod AF (as fuck) or AP (as Patti(e). vintage Liz Claiborne hot pink mod dress – $6.95, Idaho Youth Ranch | Frye ‘Sacha Moto’ black leather shooties – $100 (MSRP: $278), Bombshell Salon‘s Head to Boots Fall Make-Up Event («the next one is THIS SATURDAY, and it’s a bad-ass party to celebrate the 5th b-day of Bombshell Salon. Come! Get cheap-ass new Frye Boots!) Cheep it like a groupie.
You boys that pick flowers, and strawberries, near the ground, run away from here, a cold snake lurks in the grass. — Virgil, The Eclogues I went to Craters of the Moon with Ryan last week, a surreal landscape shaped from slithering lava rising out of “the Great Rift,” now a vast stretch of scaly encrusted black. Right now I’m watching the news on the mass shooting in Las Vegas. What will stop this firepower? And what sort of warped country will it leave in its wake? BCBG Generation black & tan snake-print flap dress with built-in black spandex miniskirt – $8.95, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | Frye ‘Sacha Moto’ black leather shooties – $100 (MSRP: $278), Bombshell Salon‘s Head to Boots Fall Make-Up Event («the next one is THIS SATURDAY, and it’s a bad-ass party to celebrate the 5th b-day of Bombshell Salon, come! Get cheap-ass new Frye Boots!)Ryan marvels at the oddity of native Idaho creatures. Featuring, at upper right, the real moon. Cheep it up to the moon and back.
If a pair of zebras needed a wild Air BNB to screw heartily (and look at the size of that schlong—it’s a real heart-stopper), I think this is the room they’d book. Calvin Klein black & white dress – $8, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | Liz Claiborne white tuxedo jacket – $1 (sale) – ReStyle thrift store | DKNY platform wedges – $20, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store Etta Benjamin Cien gold floral art – $150, Renewal (Ryan bought this, obvi, as this is his guest bedroom, which he unfortunately does not rent out some Air BNB of the savanna) Cheep it in the hinterlands.
Ryan’s daughter, Kelsey, is an artist, and her monstrous art (in a literal way, there are monster masks & sculptures up in here, and it’s fucking fantastic) runs (zombie crawls) throughout the house. I imagine, when painting this self-portrait as a teenager, she was thinking of Egon Schiele. My brilliant friend Jeff introduced me to this artist in college. Not literally, as he would be a zombie, having died at 28 in 1918, but not before he painted sexy studies of local delinquents spread-eagled and such, but like totally brilliantly. I don’t know if it was the early death like Jim Morrison or the vivid red vaginas, but boy, I had a crush on him. I could stare at his oeuvre for hours. This was a test shot, but after an hour of shooting, turned out to be the best shot. Note the phallic still life. I find great joy in flower arrangements. Calvin Klein red dress with sashay – $6.98, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | no shoes, but I know to touch the floor with …
Sorry, Lovey. Sometimes, undersexed on your ensemble-cast deserted island, you catch a glimpse of each other on the cabana. No matter what the class and age difference, sometimes, things get a bit heated on Gilligan’s Island, like any undiscovered slice of paradise. Hers: Timing sheer red & white polka dot tie top made in Vietnam – $4, ReStyle thrift store | Gloria Vanderbilt black camel-toe-inducing cotton shorts – $5, Serendipity second hand boutique | Steve Madden black braided leather flats – $5.95, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store His-before: Pronto Uomo Navy blue blazer made in Italy, $275 – International haberdashery forgotten \ Coastal paisley patterned cotton short sleeve button up, $12.99 – Ross Dress for Less | Hurley surf trunks, $60 – Kauai, HI circa 2006 \ Rainbow leather flip flops, $45 – San Clemente, CA circa 1996 Then the paparazzi come and ruin the fun for everyone.His-after: Cremiux Sleepwear blue premium cotton post-boinking robe, $150 – Dillards | Passages pinot noir CA circa 2015, $6.99 – Grocery Outlet bargain market (uhh, huh) Hers-after: Tropical bed head and a bad reputation.
Friday night, after Ryan and I came home from a gorgeous love-soaked/heat-stroke of a black + white rooftop wedding—too exhausted to take a Cheep photo—I slept in this (sans the hat). I woke up at 6:20 am, sweaty cakey makeup and all, thinking, “What the hell why not. Just put on the hat.” I struggled in the half-light for awhile, almost giving up, then this gorgeous glow infused everything for a time-ticking/camera-dying number minutes. Behold, I finally witnessed the golden hour of the morning. I don’t know if I’ve ever been this up/productive this early. Nice day (post a black +) white wedding. (Cue Billy Idol.) Calvin Klein black cotton w/ white stitched breast pocket – $5, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | vintage 1960s Sears Millinery white straw w/ black velvet ribbon hat -$25, In Retrospect | DKNY platform wedges – $20, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store The red Apocalypse Now chair is mine. I am slowly creeping in over the threshold. Cheep it up.
These colors don’t run. They just become easy targets. “Where are your war-time, manners, sir?” the startled British asked with dying breaths, done up in red, scarlet as the blood issuing from a blue-blooded redcoat. BCX black pinstripe taking-care-of-business vest – $5, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store| Sharagano button-up red cotton spandex skirt – $4.95, ReStyle thrift store | b.tempted blue lace & cream bra w/ cream front bow (inopportunely visible from different vantage points, just like a proper British soldier) | Steve Madden black braided leather flats – $5.95, Idaho Youth Ranch | Accessories… “Kirin” Laurel Burch black, gold & mauve peacock earrings – $10, Serendipity Boutique | locally made “Nasty Girl” iron ball-chain necklace – post-election gift from a girlfriend | Navajo hand-made hammered brass bracelet – $40, Albuquerque, New Mexico, street vendor in “Old Town” Happy Independence Cheep!
In 2013, when my heart shattered apocalyptically, Spike Jonze filmed a live music video for Arcade Fire’s “Afterlife” starring Greta Gerwig. At the time (and now still), it seared my soul. It’s the timeless story of all that is lost and found in the wilderness—in a language only the heart and frenetic hand-flinging could tell. In the land before time, bored lord Krishna came down from the afterlife to frolic with (read: fuck) milkmaids. Commemorated here on silk in hand-painted glory, I stand by it now. I’m basically milking the afterlife. (If ya know what I mean. Nudge, nudge, wink wink, hairy hare Krishna.) Calvin Klein blue & black banded dress – $5.95, ReStyle | Steiger navy leather blue heels with brass eyelets – $7, ReStyle Cheep, Krishna Krishna, hubba hubba.
It’s not quite a feather headdress at Coachella, but it’s got some pale-ass(hole) interloper, Native American cache. I went to Canyonlands in Utah last week, and hiked a trail called Aztec Butte (that I pronounced “Aztec butt” like a 13-year-old every-time I read it, but only in my head, because I have class-act self-restraint). These Puebloan granaries once held the life-sustaining provisions of desert-crossing native travelers. Now, they provide Instagram-aiming photo backdrops for desert-crossing white tourists. #manifestdestiny? Sideout Hawaiian floral print dress – $5.95, ReStyle made in USA! USA! (“Someday we’ll incorporate you into our fashion, and that’s reparations enough” – national slogan to the disenfranchised) | California Floppy Hat – gift from someone I don’t remember, made in USA! USA! | Grenedene gold flip flops – $10, Nordstrom’s Rack (appropriated from Ryan, who bought them for me) Cheep it up, all you travelers.
Ryan watched The Bachelorette with me tonight, which is the highest form of romance/torture, depending on your perspective. He gets my first impression rose. Roz & Ali print dress – $0.75, Idaho Youth Ranch (I got a bag of stuff for $5, so I’m using the law of averages, as does the Bachelorette when measuring up some pretty average dudes) | gold & brown patent leather belt – $1.99, ReStyle | brown & bead woven bracelet – gift from Nicaragua | Steiger navy leather blue heels with brass eyelets – $7, ReStyle Cheep!