Author: Jessica Holmes

“85 mph on the Bonneville Salt Flats” outfit

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“Do you know how fast you were going?” the state trooper inquired, inching down his aviators. He lay in wait in a mirage-like speed trap on the desert highway. I spotted him too late, then caught him creeping out onto the highway in the rearview. “Fuck.” This vintage white Caddy with the blood red interior must look like a drug dealer’s wet dream. I fluttered my Bambiest of doe eyes. “I actually don’t. This only goes up to 85.” I gestured to the speedometer, that did, in fact, cap off at the age of the grandmas usually behind the wheel of this particular old-school luxury vehicle. A wry grin flashed across his face, turned on as instantaneously as those red and blue lights. When he came back, he gave me a warning, and this cogent piece of advice, “If that needle gets to 85, slow down!” Jessica McClintock maroon(ed) long sleeveless dress – $3.99, ReStyle Thrift Store | ADAY Something Borrowed black traveling button up shirt – $125, thisisADAY.com | Crocs (but the fashion-y kind) black fleece-lined slip-ons – …

“Edward Hopper diner scene in Salt Lake City, Utah” outfit

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On the menu… appetizer: Polish sausage w/ sauerkraut, split in two – J Dawgs (pictured) main: A dozen oysters on the half shell w/ fresh grated wasabi. Arugula salad. French onion soup. – White Horse dessert: J.S. Ondara show – The State Room Ralph Lauren gold & black striped long-sleeved shirt – $2.99, ReStyle | Liz Claiborne black skirt – $3.99, ReStyle | Frye knee-high black leather boots – $75, Bombshell & Blokes “head to boots” fall make-up event Cheep eats

“Ace of wands in Wendell, Idaho” outfit

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I’m lost. Not, like, literally. I’m not still in Wendell, being gawked at by pumpers at the gas station across the street, as Kim and I pose in our driving clothes in front of the abandoned Ace (one storefront over from the brilliantly-named Grizzly Dairy Wear). What I need is a big phallic tarot card, telling me, in what I assume is a Barry White ASMR voice, “Hey girl, you’re magic. Poof. It’s all in you. Everything you need to do.” And then—like magic, like I’m wand-renewed with a psyche scrubbed clean of the plaque of regret, longing, fear, and inertia—I do everything I am designed to do. Like it’s in the cards. 12 pm by Mon Ami floral print long-sleeved shirt – $2.99, ReStyle Thrift Store | Hot Kiss jean jacket – $5.99, ReStyle Thrift Store | Dizzire black and white print pants – Idaho Youth Ranch, $4.75 | Crocs (but the fashion-y kind) black fleece-lined slip-ons – $20, Crocs.com Note: Every outfit for this trip was recently purchased during one glorious visit to …

“Jabberwock” outfit

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Scene: Alice through the looking glass in the Velma Morrison Center bathroom during the premiere of LED’s “Jabberwock,” wearing a portmanteau print mix that feels like an idyllic garden scene that goes down the rabbit hole. Josh purple floralscape dress – $2.75, ReStyle thrift store | no label Brown and green silk taffeta jacket that looks like bark and electric moss – gift | brown suede & fringe jacket – gift | vintage bakelite & yellow leather purse – $20, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | ADAY Crop & Roll Leggings grey – $125, ADAY | burgandy boots – $50 on sale, Riverwear in Stanley, ID

“Victorian DMer in Mourning” outfit

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How I lost it all? Likely, it happened as I walked down the street, hands in pockets, unconsciously fumbling with my iPhone. An unseen swipe to the left. An unintentional tap of red button. Thusly, I deleted the entire text message history between my ex and me. Two years of intimate archives, burned up like illicit letters in a Victorian fireplace. You think there’d at least be a two-step pop-up warning: “Are you sure you want to delete this relationship?” I couldn’t quite come to grips with my melodramatic grief after 4 separate attempts with recovery software failed to retrieve the lost missives (and dick pics). It felt like the end. A more absolute and definitive end than the actual end, holding each other in the early morning after breaking up in his bathroom, as I said, “Can this not be the end? Can we at least take today and this not be the end?” vintage Jonathan Martin black dress with weird 80s flounces at the hip– $4.99, Restyle thrift store | Banana Republic braided tan & black leather …

“Sgt. Pecker’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” outfit

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We hope you have enjoyed the show. We’re sorry but it’s time to go. We’d like to thank you once again. It’s getting very near the end. no label vintage flower-print & black empire waist dress – $12.99, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store |Ralph Lauren studded black suede & wood high-heeled mules – $5, Good Samaritan thrift store (MSRP $100) Derry mid-century modern velvet sofa in sapphire – $620, Wayfair.com | local black walnut coffee table – $750, custom-made byDerek Hurd at Studio 12-12 | Gorgeous rug – gift from my ex | 1972 flower painting – gift from my ex | Mars metallic lamp – long-ago gift from my ex-ex Cheep it with a lonely heart.

“Norwegian lumberjack’s girlfriend” outfit

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At a hostel in Sofia, Bulgaria, when I was twentysomething, I met an Israeli guy, Gigi, who successfully claimed insanity to escape mandatory conscription into the army. I found that hot, apparently, because we followed a Lonely Planet write-up to a back alley bar in a barn and downed alcohol as he told me the hidden secrets of the universe. Like his foot fetish. And a “We are the World” form of sex tourism. He told me about the guys he met who made it their mission to sleep with women in every country in Europe and beyond, notching their suitcases with flags from each nation, like splooge trophies. He told me legends of the hardcore Norwegian girls, wearing the shortest of short skirts in subzero temps. Viking AF. Then, he sucked my feet. And this is why one travels. Badgley Mischka black mini dress – $40, Gold Mine Consignment in Ketchum, Idaho | Jones New York red & black flannel jacket – $12.99, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | Guess red suede stilettos– $5.99, Idaho …

“Palest, Most-Uncoordinated Vegas Pole Dancer Goes for Broke at a Hamptons Hoedown” outfit

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Because up top it’s all, “Hand me a gimlet at the regatta.” Or whatever they say in the Hamptons. And down low it’s all, “Bow chicka bow bow…” *face plant* Guess multi-colored print strapless dress – $12, Idaho Youth Ranch thrift store | Melissa white plastic w/ tassels & multicolored threaded platform heel – $24, The Gold Mine thrift store in Ketchum Cheep it all you black sheep.

“80s cheerleader lookin’ to pop her cherry on prom night” outfit

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Rawr. Rawr. Siss. Boom. Bah. I did a quick change into this outfit at my last *crosses fingers* comedy show ever tonight, the Boise’s Funniest Person Alumni Show. I hosted. I did a heartfelt, relevant, funny, decent set. I loved the raw talent and energy. I found my laughs. I found my peace with stand-up comedy. With my stand-up self. Rawr. Rawr. vintage 80s Late Edition Ltd navy ruffle dress with boned bodice with gold lace roses  – $5, private yard sale | vintage Mondi Accessories gold leather three-strap sandals – $5, ReStyle thrift store (made in Italy) Vinyl of the day: Get Your Ya-Yas Out – The Rolling Stones Give me a Cheep! It! Up!

“Tiptoe through the Sawtooths” outfit

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Through the Sawtooths. That’s where I’ll be. So tiptoe through the Sawtooths with me. Call this glamping, backpacking-style. This black w/ gold & silver metallic polka dot dress ($5 but gift from friend – Mountain Home thrift store (and now so worn-out it’s practically see-through) always reminds me of something a superhero would wear on her off time. Wonder Woman’s Lululemon collection. Record Exchange black & white old-school trucker hat (pilfered from Ryan’s collection, returned dirtier). Cheep it ’til it’s jagged.